it's the small things.

[lovebalance]

fandom: itzy
pairing: chaeryeong/ryujin
tags: modern setting, high school, coming of age.
rating: t.

opening notes: these are two drabbles are related to bitter girl, defined. i wrote these before that fic actually, maybe about a year ago, but i was unable to connect them or make them longer. bitter girl, defined is the main narrative that i managed to finish in a way i really enjoyed, but i was rereading these two works the other night and didn’t want them to go to waste. so here they are.

they aren’t perfect, but i didn’t want them to go to waste. i think they aren’t as strong as some other things i’ve done, maybe, but it was something i enjoyed crafting out. 

you don’t need to read bitter girl, defined to read these. these are events in that universe that happened before that story, so it’s more of a prequel idea, never fully realized. along with that, the two drabbles are separated by titles. they aren’t connected. basically two different plots in sections. even so, please enjoy them if you can. thank you so much. 

 thank you for any future feedback/comments as well!

stuck here.

The paint on the car is chipping away.

It’s to be expected, it is an old car, gifted to her as a hand-me-down from her older cousin, who moved to a city where she didn’t need a car anymore. She knows her cousin is careless, a bit forgetful, and can tell from how there seemed to be a never-fading smell of stale chicken salads from inside the car, along with a strong scent of coffee (vanilla? She couldn’t quite figure it out). And now the paint was chipping away, the once shiny red now dull, the original silver of the car starting to show. Chaeryeong doesn’t think it looks that bad, but her dad is offering to repaint it when he visits his uncle who lived three towns over. (Chaeryeong rarely sees him, her uncle, but she knows he’s a mechanic who smells like peppermint and beer, a comforting presence). But still, Chaeryeong doesn’t want to repaint the car, as she told her dad. 

It’s not perfect, not pretty, or even able to drive fast enough when she presses down on the metal, but it was Chaeryeong’s, and that was enough. 

Like now, she hung one arm outside the car window as she held the wheel with the other, nodding her head slowly to the song playing on the radio. It’s cold, and there’s no reason Chaeryeong should have her windows rolled down, but Ryujin likes the way the air makes her shiver, even if Chaeryeong thinks the cold is irritating sometimes. Ryujin, who is currently next to her, with no shoes on, feet hanging on the dashboard, eyes closed with pink hair on her face, messy. Chaeryeong glances at her a few times, grinning, as she turns slowly into the parking lot. The car jumps a bit causing Ryujin to open her eyes and look around. 

The high school building is large and new-looking. Once, Chaeryeong’s dad joked that her school was the newest thing in the entire town. The sidewalks around the school looked like they were just placed, white and clean, the brick that holds the school up a calming mix of red and brown. In large shiny letters on the front of the school stands the name of it, and Chaeryeong sighs. “Look at this place,” She says, slowing to a stop. 

“Yeah,” Ryujin breathes, almost in a whisper. They sit in front of the school for a moment, but it feels like forever before Chaeryeong starts driving again. 

They go around the school, Chaeryeong parking in the back of it by the large football field. Ryujin moves her feet down from the dashboard, pulling her small bag to sit between her legs. “Should we stay inside or…”

“Outside,” Chaeryeong didn’t want her car to smell stronger than it already did. Her dad knew she smoked sometimes, but he still hated the smell, and she didn’t want a lecture about it, or to bother him in case he needed to borrow her car.

Ryujin grins like she knows everything (maybe she does) and they both exit the car, Ryujin sliding across the hood. She wraps one arm around Chaeryeong’s shoulder, her puffy blue sweater itching Chaeryeong a bit. “Today, I got the good stuff.”

“The good stuff?”

“The best shit,” Ryujin wiggles her eyebrows before unzipping her bag and holding it up. Chaeryeong inhales once, the smell of cannabis hitting her at once, and moves her head away, laughing.

“Ryujin, what the fuck, it reeks.” Ryujin laughs as Chaeryeong pushes away, shaking her head in a joking manner. “How the fuck does your mom like, not know?”

“Um, I don’t know actually,” Ryujin is grinding it down so it can roll up properly, with some new device Chaeryeong hasn’t seen before. She looks back up, shaking strands of her pink hair to the side, and says, “I keep it in like some plastic plates under my bed, and those, you know,  never smell…” Ryujin trails off, looking up while raising one eyebrow, smiling, and biting her tongue.

“Until you open it.”

“Until I open it.” 

Ryujin pops the lid off the thing she’s holding, the weed inside almost dust-like. “If I spill any, I will literally die.” For some reason, they both find this funny, and Chaeryeong can’t stop laughing as she watches Ryujin roll up the paper, slowly, carefully. Chaeryeong thinks Ryujin’s fingers are beautiful, the red nail polish on her fingers chipping away slowly. Chaeryeong smiles despite herself as she finds her eyes just watching Ryujin tighten the blunt, watches as the girl raises it to her lips, smiling back at Chaeryeong. “What,” Ryujin asks, balancing the blunt in between her lips.

“You’re pretty.”

“Okay, you romantic,” Ryujin points to her lips with both of her fingers. “Light me up.”

Chaeryeong puts her hand into Ryujin’s bag, digging around and pulling out a pink lighter. “Still a baby with these?” Ryujin just nods as Chaeryeong holds up the lighter to the blunt, flicking the switch a few times. 

Ryujin has always been better at inhaling than Chaeryeong. Chaeryeong watches as she shuts her eyes slowly, raising her fingers to the blunt and holding it. She slips it out of her mouth, tilting her head back toward the sky. Chaeryeong takes it from her and inhales, holding it in her mouth and inhales. She’s able to do it for a moment before breathing out, coughing loudly. Ryujin looks at her, smiling and laughing without opening her mouth. Chaeryeong tries again as Ryujin giggles once more, before she passes it back to the other girl again.

“It’s hitting you,” Chaeryeong takes the lighter again as Ryujin nods, her smile wide, eyes shut. 

“Yeah,” she laughs. “Holy shit, this is strong.”

Ryujin raises the blunt and presses it to Chaeryeong’s lips, and Chaeryeong lights it up, inhaling slowly. “You okay?”

It’s like when Ryujin asks, the world slows. Chaeryeong finds herself giggling and she’s not sure why it sounds so loud to her ears, but she's curling into Ryujin, and Ryujin is laughing with her too. “I think that’s it,” it sounds like Ryujin is whispering, lips pressed to Chaeryeong’s scalp.

“Yeah,” Chaeryeong says, but it feels like her words are floating away. “We’re good.”

Chaeryeong lets the end of the blunt fall to the concrete, before digging the tip of her white sneaker into it. It feels like it takes three minutes to do so, but Chaeryeong lays back on the car hood, curling up into a ball after she's done. “This is fucking strong. Wow,” Chaeryeong laughs when Ryujin comes into view, hair messy, eyes red. “I’ll need a nap before I take you home. Wait, you want to go to my house? My dad’s not in town, I think your mom would kill us both.”

“You’re rambling.”

“I am?”

“But yeah,” Ryujin hugs Chaeryeong, running her fingers through Chaeryeong’s hair in the way she knows she would like. “Let’s go to your house. I hope today’s not the day my mom looks under my bed or something.”

Chaeryeong doesn’t respond, instead just staring at Ryujin who stares at her. Even with her red eyes, her brown pupils are still some of the prettiest she’s ever seen. She reaches up and drags her fingers along Ryujin’s cheeks, slowly. Or at least, it feels slow.

“Would you get married to me in the future?”

“Uh,” Ryujin tilts her head, left then right then left again. “Yeah, I would. You’re pretty cute.” They stare at each other, Ryujin’s eyes searching for something in Chaeryeong’s face before she grins.

“Cool,” Chaeryeong notices her heart speeds up suddenly, it feels as though it was in every part of her body, and she wills herself to ignore the feeling of it because her mind right now would trick her into thinking she was dying. “Cool, let’s do it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” It’s silent after that, but not in an awkward way. Maybe they’re both distracted by the sky, or Chaeryeong is distracted by the way the clouds are disappearing into the night, but they don’t speak again. 

Chaeryeong blinks, and when she opens her eyes again, it’s pitch black outside, the moon in the distance shining down on them. She jumps up, her head spinning a bit before she realizes she’s still on the hood of her car. She fell asleep. Ryujin stirs next to her but doesn’t wake up as she did. Chaeryeong calms her breathing, pulling her phone from her pocket. A few missed texts from her dad and one missed text from a classmate, Jeongin, about their group project. 

She puts her phone down, looking up towards the sky. Time to go home.

and with me

Christmas was always strange for Chaeryeong.

Her last normal one was when she was five, before her parents got a divorce, when her older sister still lived with them. She remembered how the snow blanketed the world outside when she woke up, like a fairy tale, making her so excited that she couldn’t help but jump up and down on the bed. Her dad had covered her face with kisses, her mom laughing in the background as Chaeyeon kept whining that she wanted to open gifts. 

Chaeryeong can’t remember that entire day, but she can remember what she got. A pair of sneakers, an ugly shiny purple covered in rainbows and clouds. She was helplessly in love with them. She thinks about them sometimes, and remembers that they are buried in her closet somewhere in an old box she found, collecting dust back there. 

The next holidays had blurred into one, until Chaeryeong stopped caring about it so much, and then cared about it less when her parents split. Then it was just her and her dad in an empty house, Chaeyeon coming sometimes. Chaeryeong saw her mom sometimes, and each time she was sure that she knew her less and less until she decided she didn’t want to visit anymore. It’s been four years since then. Chaeryeong keeps distant contact with Chaeyeon, but they go to different schools and Chaeyeon is busy in a way that Chaeryeong is not, so their messages become less and less. Chaeryeong was fine with that.

Until one time, it changed.

It was this time last year, she thinks as she puts her feet up on the couch, her dad, uncle, and aunt chatting in the kitchen, and the film The Polar Express showing on the television. She had been scrolling through her phone, notifications from different messages and apps coming through when her dad had sat next to her. It was like he collapsed into the chair, eyes shut, tired. She hadn’t paid it any mind before he spoke. “Your mom and sister, they’re coming to visit. For Christmas.” 

She looks at him, really looking at him. She sees how tired he looks, his eyes dark and dry.

She didn’t know how to react after that. 

On the day of, she had gotten dressed, putting her makeup on slowly, as slow as she could do it, before the little bubble of calmness she was holding onto the entire week popped. It burst as she was finishing her winged eyeliner at seven in the morning, and she was just looking in the mirror, staring at herself, really looking, before she realized she couldn’t do it.

So she runs.

She puts on her dirty pink sneakers and runs in the snow, eyes burning, not really looking for anything, looking anywhere. She’s not even sure where she’s going until she gets there.

“Chaeryeong?”

Ryujin holds the door open, her eyes surprised, dressed up already. Her family always comes early and spends the day, and Chaeryeong suddenly feels embarrassed. Chaeryeong swallows and Ryujin reaches out to hold onto her wrist. “What’s wrong?” She whispers it.

“Sorry, sorry,” Chaeryeong hears Ryujin’s brother laugh, her eyes burn, and she tries to smile. She hadn’t told Ryujin anything, she realizes, maybe she should have gone somewhere else, maybe she should have come here. “Sorry, I shouldn’t be-”

Ryujin reaches out to grab onto Chaeryeong’s arm. Her eyes scan Chaeryeong’s face, before rubbing her thumb against Chaeryeong’s skin.

“I get it,” Ryujin tells Chaeryeong with a soothing tone, and a tear slides down Chaeryeong’s cheek. “Come inside.”

___

Chaeryeong curls up in Ryujin’s bed, headphones covering her ears, Netflix blasting some movie as she nervously picks at her fingertips. Ryujin had hugged her when she walked Chaeryeong into her room, promising nobody would come in to bother her. Chaeryeong thinks nobody even knows she’s here. The character in the show starts sniffing in the background as Chaeryeong looks at her phone, thinking about the last message she had sent her dad. 

you

I can’t do it.

Sorry.

number 1 dad

That’s fine. Take your time.

The character in the show sniffs again, louder this time, and Chaeryeong wonders what’s happening at her home right now. She gets anxious, the thought of a bunch of people angry at her filling her mind. She breathes in deeply, and the character reaches up and wipes their eyes. 

The doorknob wiggles a bit, startling Chaeryeong, and she just stares at it, wondering if it’s one of Ryujin’s cousins. She holds her breath expecting them to go away when the doorknob shakes again, this time more aggressive. She pauses the show, removes the headphones, and walks to the door slowly. 

She unlocks it, opens it gently, and then,

Ryujin pushes through the tiny crack, eyes wide, smiling with all her teeth, holding a bin full of cookies from what Chaeryeong can tell. ”For you, us.”

Chaeryeong feels her heart bang in her chest. She feels it bang in her chest when Ryujin feeds her one sugar cookie and feels it pound when Ryujin hugs her tightly after asking why she was watching such a boring show. “It’s my comfort show,” Chaeryeong says into Ryujin’s neck, arms wrapped around the girl, and Ryujin laughs brightly, hugging Chaeryeong tighter. 

“Do you even know what this show is called?”

Chaeryeong thinks. “Nope.”

They both look at each other, Chaeryeong’s nose touching Ryujin’s own, before they burst into laughter together, slowly getting surrounded by a bubble that knows only them. They breathe, take each other in, and Ryujin smiles when they’re done.

“Do you need to sleep over? As you can see,” Ryujin rolls onto her back, pulling Chaeryeong with her. “The bed is big enough for both of us.”

Chaeryeong thinks of her mom, thinks of Chaeyoung, and swallows. “I hope it won’t be inconvenient.”

“Never.”

__

Ryujin gives Chaeryeong one of her large blue t-shirts and lets her borrow a toothbrush, and Chaeryeong thinks she loves her. It’s a passing thought, one that is the same as wondering what she should eat for breakfast or if her dad will live long enough so she can come out to him. 

Ryujin lays on her bed, scrolling on her phone, and Chaeryeong stands at the door, arms crossed, flustered at the thought of loving Ryujin like an idiot. 

“What,” Ryujin asks.

What?

“You’re staring, everything okay?”

Chaeryeong blinks before she smiles shyly and looks away. “I can’t just look?”

“I mean, you can,” Ryujin laughs, “I’m just wondering what’s on your mind.”

“I just really, really,” Chaeryeong pauses, You. “Your face.” Ryujin giggles and rubs her nose into Chaeryeong’s cheek. They stay like that for a while, just in each other’s spaces. 

“Just my face?”

“Eyes too.”

And you, Chaeryeong thinks. I really like you.