knock on wood - letter of grief
Apr. 19th, 2023 03:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lovebalancethis is something i never told anyone.
on the day of your passing, i woke up from my sleep. i woke up because it felt like something was suffocating me, i remember the way i wheeze and gasped and curled into my own body. i remember the horrible pit of my stomach, the awful feeling that something was wrong. usually, i knock on wood three times whenever this happened. not that night.
but i can’t forget the terror i felt in the middle of the night, and i wasn’t sure why, and i remember drifting back to sleep just like that, scared and unsure.
when i woke up you were dead.
i sometimes wonder if it’s my fault. it’s stupid and groundless, but i was 16 then and now i’m 22 and i still wonder what would have happened if i just had knocked on wood three times before sleeping. would something have changed? even just a little?
losing you was painful. i never got over the pain. i am afraid to love so intensely because i’m scared of the pain of loss. of grief. we never knew each other, but you were my everything. i don’t only remember you and think of your death, but of your life, and the things you will never see, never experience.
i’ve always wanted to meet you, jonghyun. i still do, whenever it’s time. i have a letter i want to give to you, but the hangul is awful and bad but i think you would love it anyways.
i think i walk around with my grief for you every day. and i hold you deep in my heart that i don’t know if you will ever go away.
i know you’ve passed on, but you’re still alive. you still exist. as long as i remember you, even if i can’t see you anymore, you’re alive. it still hurts, but even then, i just think about you. i still want to world to change for you, for your truth.
always thinking about you. each time it snows, or during april. it was your birthday a bit ago, did you smile that day? i miss you, and one day i’ll tell you everything i’ve wanted to tell you.
until then, i’m sorry, and i love you, and i won’t forget you exist. as long as i exist, you will exist
and moonbin, this letter is for you too. i couldn’t have known your personal story, but i won’t let your public story be turned to sadness. you will be the idol who is known gor his smile, always.
see you.
on the day of your passing, i woke up from my sleep. i woke up because it felt like something was suffocating me, i remember the way i wheeze and gasped and curled into my own body. i remember the horrible pit of my stomach, the awful feeling that something was wrong. usually, i knock on wood three times whenever this happened. not that night.
but i can’t forget the terror i felt in the middle of the night, and i wasn’t sure why, and i remember drifting back to sleep just like that, scared and unsure.
when i woke up you were dead.
i sometimes wonder if it’s my fault. it’s stupid and groundless, but i was 16 then and now i’m 22 and i still wonder what would have happened if i just had knocked on wood three times before sleeping. would something have changed? even just a little?
losing you was painful. i never got over the pain. i am afraid to love so intensely because i’m scared of the pain of loss. of grief. we never knew each other, but you were my everything. i don’t only remember you and think of your death, but of your life, and the things you will never see, never experience.
i’ve always wanted to meet you, jonghyun. i still do, whenever it’s time. i have a letter i want to give to you, but the hangul is awful and bad but i think you would love it anyways.
i think i walk around with my grief for you every day. and i hold you deep in my heart that i don’t know if you will ever go away.
i know you’ve passed on, but you’re still alive. you still exist. as long as i remember you, even if i can’t see you anymore, you’re alive. it still hurts, but even then, i just think about you. i still want to world to change for you, for your truth.
always thinking about you. each time it snows, or during april. it was your birthday a bit ago, did you smile that day? i miss you, and one day i’ll tell you everything i’ve wanted to tell you.
until then, i’m sorry, and i love you, and i won’t forget you exist. as long as i exist, you will exist
and moonbin, this letter is for you too. i couldn’t have known your personal story, but i won’t let your public story be turned to sadness. you will be the idol who is known gor his smile, always.
see you.
