(bitter) girl, defined.

[lovebalance]

fandom: itzy
pairing: chaeryeong/ryujin, other implied one-sided relationships
tags: modern setting, high school, coming of age, unreliable narrator.
rating: t.

other notes: written based on pure madness and the need for love. local lesbian just wants to express love, or something. there are probably typos as i wrote this all after a bit of a slump in my personal life, but hopefully, this is enjoyable. thank you for reading and any future feedback/comments as well!

There was one day that she gave away everything within her and never got to take it back. 

She’s pretty sure it was on a Tuesday. At the time, she would’ve argued that it wasn’t on purpose. If someone asked the same question now, she would admit, maybe it was.

Let’s set the scene: A drink had been spilled, from too much laughter and excitement from the two people. The carpet, the color of creme, is now covered in a dark purple stain, contrasting heavily against the eyes. The radio is playing some random tune, the words like a murmur among the sounds of the guitar. Perhaps they sounded like that because she can’t focus. 

Chaeryeong’s face was burning up, a mix of the alcohol and embarrassment from her clumsiness, along with something else. She doesn’t look at her phone, fingers playing with the volume button absentmindedly, as she looks at the other person in the room. 

Ryujin had laughed and told her it was fine, that she shouldn’t have been jumping anyway, that she’s pretty glad that Chaeryeong’s laugh is louder when she drinks. Ryujin opened the door to her closet, peeling off her shirt before letting it fall to the floor, and Chaeryeong could only look. Her eyes were studying Ryujin’s back, the way the muscles flexed as she did take off her shirt, the way her skin looked soft to the touch. 

At that moment, she felt it. The sting. 

As Ryujin slid on a larger t-shirt, one that was red and covered in blue paint just a little, and brushed the hair out of the back,  Chaeryeong heard a tiny voice in her head. It told her, “You’ve fallen. Get up, before anyone sees.” 

Chaeryeong’s own eyes snapped away as Ryujin turned, suddenly interested in the dark purple walls. 

Ryujin said, “You can borrow a shirt whenever you want.” Chaeryeong listened to the sounds of Ryujin moving to her desk, the way she drags her feet on the carpet because she likes the way it feels. 

“It’s okay if I sleepover,” Chaeryeong begins to question as she feels the bed start to dip. She waits around two seconds before standing up, turning to look at Ryujin’s face. Ryujin is looking at her with deep eyes, a small grin playing at her lips. “My aunt would definitely kill me if she saw me.”

“You know it’s always okay with me.” 

Ryujin reached out, and she placed her hand on Chaeryeong’s arm. Chaeryeong had let her fingers linger. 

And in the night, Chaeryeong felt the suffocating weight of the air. It wasn’t unpleasant, she noted then, but it was all overwhelming, so powerful. Ryujin was breathing softly next to her, eyes shut, her face soft from sleep. Chaeryeong had wanted to run her fingers across her face, her skin. 

What would have Ryujin thought, she wondered

The idea of it scared her. And as Chaeryeong turned to face the window, to get control of her breathing, she realized, maybe everything did. 

___

Chaeryeong could only label this feeling as betrayal, despite the way she tried to tell herself it wasn’t. Sometimes Chaeryeong wished that she had better control of all of her emotions, especially when it came to Ryujin.

Both of them had known each other since they were little kids, back when one of their classmates had kept pulling Chaeryeong’s ponytail until she got angry and cried. That was when she lashed out as well and had to go sit in the nurse's office for a bit. Ryujin had been sent to the office for a similar reason, but instead of crying, she was eager to move around. A conversation was had, one about the ribbon in Chaeryeong’s hair, then the rest was history.

There was just a pull both girls had to each other. Even when they grew up, made friends with each other’s friends, when Chaeyreong got braces, when Ryujin broke her leg for the first time, the pull never faded. 

Chaeryeong was sure Ryujin would tell her everything, as she would do the same. She felt as though Ryujin and her were connected by the hip, by the world. 

So, Chaeryeong can’t understand the suffocating dread she feels when she’s looking at Ryujin’s phone when the other is in the bathroom, and the name ‘Donghyuck’ pops onto the screen. Ryujin has her phone set so that just anyone can’t read her messages. Chaeryeong is tempted to unlock the phone and read the message, and then read all of the rest of them. 

How long has Donghyuck been on Ryujin’s phone? How long have they been talking to each other? Chaeryeong thinks a few weeks back, during the homecoming rally, how Donghyuck and Ryujin had gone off by themselves. The way that Donghyuck had smiled at Ryujin back then, the way Ryujin grinned and leaned closer towards him. Chaeryeong didn’t want to focus on him, on what they could be talking about, and luckily Yuri was there to distract her. 

Maybe she should have asked questions back then, should have asked her bluntly. “What were you talking about with him? What did he tell you?”

Chaeryeong feels sick.

Ryujin walks back into the room as Chaeryeong bites the nail on her thumb a bit, pretending to look down on her phone. She grins up as Ryujin slides next to her on the bed, the said girl immediately leaning into her space.

“I think I’m going to start my cycle soon,” Ryujin muses after a moment, shutting her eyes. Chaeryeong lets out an amused breath at that, poking Ryujin’s forehead with her two fingers. Ryujin scrunches up her forehead, getting heavier as she leans against Chaeryeong.

“I think you got a text,” Chaeryeong says in an attempt to be subtle. “Donghyuck?”

Ryujin blinks up at her, a bit of a confused look before reaching out for her phone, sitting up properly. Chaeryeong watches her expressions, the way Ryujin’s mouth forms a small grin as she types a reply to the other. Chaeryeong refuses to start biting her nail again, trying to quell the feeling of venom in her stomach. 

She questions, “How long have you and Donghyuck been texting?”

Ryujin answers, “Oh, just a little bit.” Then she looks up at Chaeryeong, eyes a little hard to read. “Not that long, obviously.”

The sharp venom pinches at her stomach. 

“Obviously.” 

A little later, as Chaeryeong lays on Ryujin’s bed as the other girl lays next to her, wrapping her legs into Chaeryeong's own. Chaeryeong moves closer into her space, burying her head into her neck.

And as the night winds down, the radio plays a low jazz tune, and Chaeryeong can’t stop thinking. 

She thinks of Ryujin. Of Ryujin and Donghyuck. Of Donghyuck and Ryujin. Of Ryujin and Chaeryeong.

Of her. 

___

It’s not good to bottle up strong feelings, Chaeryeong knows this. Her mind was reeling for a while, but she didn’t tell anyone for a bit. Even when her project partner, Jeongin, said she didn’t look good, she brushed him off a bit. 

Ryujin might have noticed something, but she couldn’t be sure, and that’s what Chaeryeong wanted. Ryujin asked her earlier in the week if she wanted to come out with her after school, she had declined. 

“It’s just,” Chaeryeong lied, Ryujin’s eyes searching her face, fingers tangled up in Chaeryeong’s hair. “I’m tired this week.” 

Then on Friday, when Chaeryeong is scrolling through Instagram stories, she sees Ryujin and Donghyuck and a few others out for dinner, she goes a bit insane. 

Her sister Chaeyeon walks in a bit later, coming from her night class at the nearby community class, and blinks at her in confusion when Chaeryeong looks at her in a drunken haze, before putting on a very concerned look when Chaeryeong bursts into tears.

“I don’t understand,” Chaeryeong sobs as Chaeyeon ushers her onto the couch, trying to calm her. Chaeryeong’s pretty sure her nose is red as hell, her eyes are already puffy, or at least they feel like it. “I feel so hurt, why didn’t she say anything to me? I thought she would tell me, why wouldn’t she tell me?”

Chaeyeon is very confused, Chaeryeong can tell in her sober mind, but she can’t stop crying as Chaeyeon gives her a glass of water, placing a small bin at her feet. 

“Who has you this upset,’ Chaeyeon whispers as she rubs Chaeryeong back a bit later, as she’s reduced the loud sobbing and gone into a semi-quieter sniffing, tears running down her cheeks. Chaeryeong feels the words in her mouth, like vomit.

“Ryujin,” she would say. “She’s with Donghyuck and not me, and she didn’t tell me. She betrayed me, she didn’t even tell me. And I’m so angry and sad at her and at that fucking dude and I don’t know why. I don’t understand why.”

Instead, Chaeryeong blinks as tears flow out her eyes, before grabbing the bin and throwing up into it. 

___

There’s a boy. His name is Na Jaemin, he’s in her morning history class, and he likes Chaeryeong (or so they say). She finds this out from her classmate Hyejoo, who lets it slip in the bathroom that morning. Chaeryeong hadn’t contacted Ryujin all weekend, arriving at school earlier than normal, and had sat in the bathroom for a bit. Hyejoo asked her about it casually, if she knew that Jaemin wanted to talk to her for a while, and blinked in confusion as Chaeryeong blinks back, her own expression warping into one of panic. 

Chaeryeong does not like him back.

As she walks down the hallway, she spots Ryujin at her locker, who hasn't noticed her yet. As she was about to walk up to her, she sees Jaemin walking up, not towards her exactly. But she can’t stop herself, her eyes go wide and she smiles at him, all teeth. 

“Hey,” She says a bit too brightly despite the feeling of dread in her heart. “Did you understand last night’s homework?” 

Jaemin seems a bit stunned for a bit, before he smiles back at her, adjusting his backpack. She tilts her head, smiling too much, laughing a bit offbeat when she doesn’t need to. After a few minutes, Jaemin says he’ll see her in a bit, and she smiles one more time, looking at him walking away for a second. 

When she looks towards Ryujin again, the other girl is looking back at her with an expression Chaeryeong doesn’t understand. 

___

“You’re hanging out with Jaemin on Saturday?”

Ryujin is using her left hand to stir the drink in her cup, the fingertips of her right hands tapping on the marble of the table. Chaeryeong is a bit startled at the quick tone that Ryujin uses, a bit off and cold. Chaeryeong knows she didn’t make plans with Ryujin, but maybe she was mistaken. She didn’t even think Ryujin read her text about it, but it seems she was wrong.

Chaeryeong clears her throat as Ryujin looks back at her. “Oh yeah, just to the arcade? Nothing that important.”

“Just you guys?”

Chaeryeong nods, a bit nervous and a bit angry. If she had forgotten something, Ryujin should tell her. Instead, the other girl looks down at her cup and nods as she accepts the words.

“It’s not like, a date, maybe,” Chaeryeong explains. 

At the same time, Ryujin questions “Like on a date?”

“I don’t know,” Chaeryeong says after a beat of silence.

“No, it’s cool,” Ryujin shakes her head, brushing strands of her hand off her face. “I was just surprised. Jaemin?”

“Yeah, it surprised me a little too.”

“It’s just, Donghyuck never said anything. He and Jaemin are, like, close I think.”

Chaeryeong can’t handle the sharp bitter feeling on her skin when Ryujin brings up Donghyuck. Her smile suddenly feels out of place, too big on her face when Ryujin looks back. “Maybe because he knows you and me talk every day? I don’t know.”

Ryujin raises her eyebrows as a response, before grinning a bit. 

Chaeryeong tries not to think about boys, or school, or not knowing anything. Ryujin slips her hands into hers as they walk together, intertwining their fingers. 

Chaeryeong can’t be sure, but it feels like Ryujin’s holding on tighter than normal.

___

The whole time with Jaemin, Chaeryeong can’t stop thinking about Ryujin. She finds her mind drifting off whenever Jaemin looks or walks away for a bit, thinking of laying in Ryujin’s bed, wearing her shirt. 

There’s a moment when she’s looking at Jaemin and laughing at something he said, genuinely, before her mind shifts to Ryujin. She wonders if Ryujin has ever been out with Donghyuck, or anyone else, and thinks of her. 

She wonders when Ryujin started hanging out with boys. She wonders why it makes her upset.

It’s the same feeling of bitterness and dread that she feels now because Jaemin is looking at her with sweet eyes, smiling a bit. She thinks of romance novels and movies, then realizes Jaemin could want to kiss her.

It scares her. 

He doesn’t kiss her on the lips, but they do hug for a little before he plants a kiss on her cheek. 

It feels like Chaeryeong waves to him as she watches him drive off from dropping her in front of her house before she stands there. The cold of the night nips at her skin, a little sharp but there, and she stares up at the sky. 

___

In the darkness of her room later, at two in the morning, Chaeryeong receives a text from Ryujin. 

ryujin

how was it?

with jaemin. 

you

it was ok

nice.

i think he likes me.

There’s a moment of nothing, just the typing bubble on Ryujin’s end popping up and disappearing. Chaeryeong is suddenly wide awake and tired all at once. Her eyes keep sliding close, each blink longer than the last.

She feels like she’s in a dream when she reads Ryujin’s message before dreaming. 

ryujin

do you like him?

___

The dream changes everything within her. Chaeryeong can’t remember all of the details, but she vividly sees some of them. Lives in the image for a little.

Pulls her blanket over her eyes as she tries to live in a reality where Ryujin kisses her on the lips, where she runs her hands down the skin of Chaeryeong’s stomach and whispers to her. Maybe she would kiss Chaeryeong’s eyelids and the tip of her nose.

She would tell Ryujin “I love you. I love you and I don’t think I can live without you.”

And Ryujin would say the same. 

___

It’s during a party that everything hits the ceiling.

In hindsight, Chaeryeong knew it would not be a good idea to go. There’s been a weird tension between Ryujin and her for a bit, tight lips, small smiles, longer than usual looks. She had considered telling Yuri and Seoyeon that something came up, but changed her mind last minute. The two said girls sit in the front of the car, Seoyeon nodding her head in tune to the music as Yuri jokes loudly about something. Chaeryeong giggles a bit even though she didn’t hear what was said. 

Her bare thigh keeps pressing against Ryujin’s own, Ryujin looking over at her and smiling every few minutes. Maybe it’s the pre-game they did (not Seoyeon, who wasn’t a fan of alcohol in general), but the tension between them was both gone and more intense than before. 

Chaeryeong will only wish that everyone mistakes the way her cheeks are a bit red on the drinks, and not on the way Ryujin rests her hand on Chaeryeong’s thigh. 

The music is loud, the lights dim and colorful. She thinks that the person throwing this party is someone from the school’s football team, but she can’t recall the name as everyone walks in after each other. There’s a strong smell of smoke and fruits, Chaeryeong squeezing in close to Ryujin, the said girl pulling Chaeryeong even closer. 

There’s a moment later where Ryujin says that she needs to find someone real quick, pressing her lips onto Chaeryeong’s ear, causing Chaeryeong to nod dumbly back at her, the lights glowing from red to purple to orange and back. 

She wanders around a bit, people from her class greeting her loudly. She smiles back at all of them before someone taps her on the shoulder.

“Oh hey,” she says, her tongue a bit heavy from the alcohol and weed. Jeongin had offered her a joint earlier for a job well done on their assignment, and she had taken some, before coughing and walking away, wondering where Ryujin went. 

But, that was three minutes ago, and Jaemin is in front of her now. Jaemin laughs at her, maybe he’s high too, before saying over the music. “Are you here with anyone?”

“Yeah,” she replies. It’s a bit funny, why is she talking to Jaemin right now? “I’m looking for her right now, Ryujin?”

Jaemin gets a look in his eye, his smile growing bigger. “You like her right?”

Chaeryeong’s heart pounds loudly like it was exploding. “Huh?”

“Like, she’s your best friend?” Jaemin links both of his pinkies together. “For life. Forever, or something.” 

Chaeryeong swallows too hard suddenly. Of course, Jaemin wouldn’t know, right? He likes her, and she doesn’t like him. She likes Ryujin. But Jaemin wouldn’t know that. She shouldn’t even know that. 

She likes Ryujin.

Suddenly the music is louder than before, but she tries to focus on Jaemin’s words. He saw her, he says. She was outside. Or upstairs. Chaeryeong didn’t hear him, but thanks him like she did, giving him a friendly hand on the shoulder. 

As she wanders towards the stairs, the music gets a little quieter, lights more stable. It’s the color of red up here, pairs of people standing against the world. A pretty girl is leaning on the wall, who meets Chaeryeong’s eyes and smiles, before scanning her body. Something hot pinches the bottom of Chaeryeong’s stomach, but it’s not bad. 

She looks back as she walks past, the girl grinning at her before looking back at the guy she was talking to. It’s exciting.

Maybe it’s the distraction and excitement in her mind, but she doesn’t think or knock as she opens a random door. Then everything stops.

Ryujin and Donghyuck look at her in surprise, jumping apart a little. His hands are on her waist, her arms crossed. Chaeryeong can’t see clearly. 

“Oh! Chaer-”

“Oh, shit,” Chaeryeong says loudly, and she knows it. She shuts her eyes and walks backward a bit, grasping tightly on the doorknob. “Shit, my bad. I didn’t kno-it’s my- sorry! Sorry!”

Chaeryeong shuts the door loudly as her eyes open, and suddenly she can’t breathe. The doorknob rattles a bit as Chaeryeong rushes away, pushing past a few people. The girl from before looks confused as Chaeryeong walks past quickly, eyes wide, burning. 

“Wait,” someone calls after her, but her feet grow faster. The night sky looks down at her, a chilly breeze, people moving out her way. “Chaeryeong, wait!”

She feels Ryujin’s hand on her shoulder as she reaches the edge of the driveway, away from people, then she feels it. The tear falls out of her eye and runs down her cheek. 

“What, what?” Chaeryeong asks Ryujin in a harsh tone, a bit winded and angry. Chaeryeong’s vision is blurred from tears as she holds them back, Ryujin’s eyes searching her face, looking winded and upset as well. “Ryujin, seriously, what?”

“I don’t know, just,” Ryujin lets out a loud sigh, brushing her fingers through her hair. “Just wait, okay? I don’t know.”

Chaeryeong’s eyes are searching, unable to stop her tears, Ryujin looks back at her. Ryujin wouldn’t cry over this. Of course, she would be confused, Chaeryeong rationalizes. She like Ryujin, and Ryujin likes Donghyuck and Donghyuck likes Ryujin. 

It makes her angry. 

“No, I’m going to go. I’ll ask Seoyeon to take me, or whoever the fuck. You were having fun, right,” Chaeryeong bites out, tilting her head in almost a mocking way. “You and your boyfriend? The one you didn’t tell me about?”

At the same time, Ryujin is shaking her head, eyes confused, a bit hardened, and saying, “What? Donghyuck? No, Chaeryeong, seriously, what is wrong with you?”

There’s a moment of silence, Chaeryeong feels like she can’t believe what she just heard. 

“Me?” Chaeryeong points at herself. “What’s wrong with me? I should be asking you that. I thought we were friends, but apparently, I’m just someone you can’t even fucking tell that you have a motherfucking boyfriend?!” Chaeryeong might be yelling she can’t tell, but her hands are all over the play, pointing to the house behind Ryujin, sniffing. Ryujin’s clenching her jaw as Chaeryeong leans close to her face, shaking her head.

“You literally lied to me, Ryujin. You lied to me, you like, betrayed me. That fucking hurts?”

Chaeryeong can see Ryujin’s mind turning, and even if she’s drunk, high, Chaeryeong feels more present than she has in a long while. Ryujin's eyes look at her face deeply, before letting out a sharp, amused breath. 

“What about you? Your boyfriend?” Chaeryeong is stunned, suddenly stuck as Jaemin’s face comes to mind. “You like Jaemin so much, I can tell. The way you blink your eyes at him,” Ryujin is talking slowly, a big contrast from Chaeryeong’s yelling, making sure only Chaeryeong can hear her. “The way you, you smile at him. You couldn’t even say it to me, but I know.”

Chaeryeong's eyes look past Ryujin for a bit, before she blinks and takes a step back. Ryujin follows after her. “Did he turn you down? Are you taking your anger out on me? Is that it? Oh, poor Chaeryeong.”

Chaeryeong’s neck feels hot, nose all gross and snotty, and she inhales. 

“Ryujin, you,” Chaeryeong takes a second and gains her composure as much as she can. “If you can’t tell how much I wish I was the one who was kissing you, maybe you’re denser than I thought. Instead, I’m here crying and making myself look like a fucking idiot at this party.”

Chaeryeong shuts her eyes before Ryujin can process everything. “So, I am angry. Are you happy now? You’re right. I’m jealous.” Then she can’t resist, she starts running down the street, opening her eyes and screaming up to the stars. 

“I am FUCKING jealous of Donghyuck!”

And then she cries into her pillow, loudly and unable to hold back later, after Chaeyeon kept asking her to say something as she drove them home. She doesn’t stop until she passes out from her sadness. 

___

you

am i a bad person?

i’m sorry.

Chaeryeong glances up from her phone in a quick moment on Saturday morning, the day after the explosion. She doesn’t know if Chaeyeon will answer, headphones on, typing away. But she’s been quiet all day and Chaeryeong just wants to talk to someone. She has seven unread messages. 

She’s not sure who from, she hasn’t looked, and shuts her eyes, placing her head on her knees. There’s a buzz on her phone after a moment.

chaeyeon

not a bad person. 

just impulsive, quick to anger.

stupid.

and you made a mistake. but i forgive you of course i do. 

Chaeryeong taps her phone screen, reading the texts over and over. “I don’t know what to do.” She says in the empty air. 

Her phone buzzes. 

chaeyeon

it’s ok. you’ll figure it out. 

and even if u don’t, you’ll get through it.

Chaeryeong blinks, and her phone buzzes. She clicks the number of notifications and inhales slowly. There’s one message from Ryujin, and it says;

 ‘please chaeryeong, let’s talk. i need to see you.’

___

Chaeryeong sends Ryujin a quick and simple message asking if she was home as she stands outside her door. She can’t tell, her light is off, and maybe Chaeryeong should’ve said something before she came over.  She’s thinking she should go home, maybe try on Sunday morning instead of Saturday at one in the morning, when the door swings open,

Ryujin’s hair is a mess, her eyes wide and surprised, her hoodie unzipped, clearly thrown on in a haste. Chaeryeong immediately feels a bit winded. “Hi,” Chaeryeong says, her heart beating a bit quicker.

Ryujin opens her mouth, closes it, swallows. “Hi.”

They stare at each other for a little, nervous, before Ryujin moves to speak. Chaeryeong holds her hands up to stop her, before closing her eyes for a second.

“Before anything, just listen,” Chaeryeong speaks, and Ryujin nods. “I fucked up. I did, and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lashed out on you, shouldn’t have gone crazy as I did,” Chaeryeong stops herself from searching for signs in Ryujin’s face and continues. “I just couldn’t handle it, and cracked. Maybe it was my paranoia, or me hurting my own feelings, but I made up a scenario and accepted it as fact. I don’t know, I just,” she shuts her eyes. “It was scary. I thought I was losing you, or something. I’m not sure myself. Seeing you and Donghyuck just scared me. I didn’t want it to be like that.”

There’s a second, before Chaeryeong opens her eyes, throat tight, and looks down at her shoes. “I like you Ryujin. I don’t know what I should do with that.”

A moment passes, Chaeryeong taking in the sounds of the crickets and the buzz of the porchlight, waiting for anything. A slammed door in her face, a confused breath, a goodbye. 

“Chaeryeong,” a hand presses against her arm. “Look at me. Let me tell you something.”

When she looks up, slowly, Ryujin’s eyes are bright, with tears, and something else. 

“Do you know how crazy you make me,” Ryujin asks her, causing Chaeryeong to blink in surprise, in turn making Ryujin let out an amused sound. “No, seriously. I’m crazy about you Chaeryeong. Sometimes I want to stand outside your house with a large speaker and play all my feelings for you out loud until you listen. I wasn’t dating Donghyuck, not for long.”

Chaeryeong feels like the wind has been knocked out of her and leans against the doorframe to gain some footing, and Ryujin leans against it too. “I was with him and I could only think about you. I couldn’t get you out of my head. Even now,” Ryujin’s voice lowers into a whisper as they stare into each other’s eyes. “I can’t stop thinking about you. You’re stupid and gorgeous and I really wished I had made you stay so I could’ve kissed you.”

“I really want to kiss you,” Ryujin whispers so softly Chaeryeong could’ve missed it. Chaeryeong feels her mouth open and closes before she leans in.

No more hesitation, Chaeryeong thinks, her fingertips holding onto Ryujin’s hood. No more waiting. 

And she feels it as Ryujin giggles into her mouth. The sting. The spark.

The fire.